Pubs Are Open Again! The Anti-Social Guide To Avoiding Social Events

If you’re the anti-social type, it’s been a blissful year. Since early 2020, you’ve been able to effortlessly go about your daily life without having to worry about things like gatherings at the pub, birthday parties, nights out… Basically, all the baggage of a social life. Now, though, lockdowns are easing and people are flocking back to pubs with great glee.

But for us anti-social types, well… It’s a world of unease.

Used to our own company in our little bubbles with Netflix and slouchy clothes and no requirements to make an effort at all, suddenly the very real possibility that you might need to, y’know… Hang out with other people… Is fast becoming a possibility.

So, how can you ease yourself back into real life and, crucially, avoid things like social events?

1. Say you’ve got covid

Only works the once, unless you actually do get covid. Of course if you’re spotted wandering around a few days later then you might be a bit of a social pariah for a bit. Play this card with caution.

2. Insist you’ve given up drinking (even if you haven’t)

All that lockdown got you into the fitness frame of mind, and now you’ve turned vegan and you refuse to go anywhere near a pub. OK, it didn’t, you’re fatter than you’ve ever been and you’ve stockpiled £5 bottles of Pinot Grigiot from Tesco, but your mates don’t know that. Can be a useful way to dodge things like big drinky gatherings.

3. Embrace your hermit side

There’s nothing wrong with coming clean and just telling people that you’re not really up for social events for a bit. Prince Phillip died, covid is still out there, you’re halfway through Dead To Me on Netflix and frankly you’re just not in the mood for social. So leave me the fuck alone. OK, maybe don’t drop that last bit in there.

4. Find some ethical reason not to go

If your mates like going to a Wetherspoons then this is an easy one. Wetherspoons are fucking awful, so saying you’re skipping the pub on ethical grounds is solid. If it’s some independent local affair, then you’re going to need to work it. Maybe something along the lines of, the hospitality industry has no respect for their staff, or pubs are basically big tax collection points for HMRC. Just say it with conviction.

5. You’ve developed agoraphobia

The fear of being in situations where you can’t easily escape, often thought of as a fear of open spaces. Well, you’ve been locked down at home for a year, so probably every one has a touch of this. The pub and social events are both hard to escape from and now that they have to be al-fresco, in open spaces. This one might be a winner.

Any other ideas? We’re all ears… Drop us a comment below and let us know what else you can do to avoid social events post lockdown.